Now That’s Happiness

I may not be the strongest.

I may not be trangressionless,

But I am free, forgiven, blessed,

Redeemed by the Son, and given rest.

So I will run hard, facing every test

Laid before my path with fervor and zest

For the One who took this weight from my chest,

The One who I can never impress,

but who loves me for me, in spite of my mess.

He fills me completely, drives out my emptiness.

So though I’m not always at my best,

I thank God for His forgiveness,

His mercy, His love that paid my debts,

So that I could be eternally blessed.

Life forever with Him: now that’s happiness.

Constant Love

“Your love never fails.

It never gives up.

It never runs out on me.”

- One Thing Remains by Jesus Culture

We sang this song at Cru tonight, and it really hit me…God’s love is always there for me. When others fail me, when others give up on working at a relationship with me, when friends run out on me when I need them the most, God’s love is tried and true ALWAYS. He’s not going to fail to meet my needs. He will never ever give up on me, no matter how hopeless things may seem for me. He is never going to run out on me when I need Him the most.  He is ALWAYS there. No matter what, He loves me.  He always has and He always will…Just, wow…WOW. In this world full of brokenness and perishable things, temporary relationships, everything coming and going, in and out of our lives, He is constant ALWAYS. It blows my mind and it makes me want to scream, shout, and cry out of pure joy. What an amazing God that He would love us like that!

Anyway, I just had to share my soul’s elation with you. Hope it blesses you as much as it did me!

Have you heard any songs/lyrics that really spoke to your heart lately? Which ones?

Notice Me?

I am a pretty reserved person. Meeting new people in group settings is hard for me a lot of times because unless someone strikes up a conversation with me first, I will hide in the background and leave without saying a word to anyone, chickening out of putting myself out there. I don’t like to be vulnerable. I don’t like the idea of possibly being rejected, so I hide and try to pretend I’m not there, hoping no one will notice and I won’t have to chance it.

But the truth is, I’m also secretly hoping someone will notice me anyway.

One of the reasons I fell so hard for my ex-boyfriend was because he noticed me when I was at one of the lowest parts of my life, and he liked me anyway. I was a mess, and he thought I was breathtaking. He noticed me when I thought I was invisible, and it made me feel like maybe I was somebody after all. He gave me confidence in myself, made me believe that what I had to give was worth putting out there because it was unique and beautiful.  I felt like I went from a faded, flat, flickering ghost of a person, to a bold, 3-dimensional, solid human being with something to contribute to the world.

And now that I’m without him, I feel myself fading back into that ghost again.

But he’s not the only one who noticed me. God did too. In fact, He did first. So I don’t need anyone else to notice me to validate that I have something to give. Knowing that God sees me for the beautiful, creative woman that I am is enough to fill me and make me feel whole, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still long for other human interaction.  Though I’m an introvert, I don’t like to always be alone, and I don’t think God meant for any of us to live our lives without other people to help us along.

The problem is this: if I want to be noticed by others, if I want to make friends who are real friends and not just acquaintances, I have to put myself out there, whether I’m scared of being vulnerable and rejected or not. I can’t just expect people to notice me anyway. A lot of times, I tend to tell myself, “Well I’m an introvert, and introverts just aren’t good at people skills,” or “I’m an introvert, so making friends just isn’t my thing.” However, being an introvert shouldn’t become my excuse for not doing things that may put me outside my comfort zone. Introvert or not, I can be friendly and authentic. I can strike up a conversation. I can add my thoughts to a conversation that’s already been started. I can put myself out there, and if I’m rejected, it doesn’t mean I don’t have something to give. Living my life in the security that God loves and appreciates me for exactly who I am can and will free me from the fear of rejection.

I have something to give. Now I just have to go out there and give it.

Another Conversation

Me: God, I can’t do this. Being transparent, being honest about my sins is too hard. It’s one thing with You. I know You will always love and forgive me, but there are others who would condemn me. There are others whose faith in me would be lost. There are others who would reject me for the sins I have repented of. I can’t bear the judgement. I can’t bear disappointing the people I love…

God: You can do all things with Me by your side. Lean on my strength. I will carry you through this.

Me: But why are You asking me to do this?

God: Shining the light of truth on your sins is never easy, but it is necessary to bring you healing.  Have you not asked me to heal you?

Me: Yes, God, but I was hoping we could just patch this all up just between You and me.

God: Do you not want others to see the wonder I have worked and am still working in you? Do you not want to point others to me, to help others heal as well?

Me: I do, God, but could I do so without bearing my naked soul and becoming so completely vulnerable? I don’t like it. It’s not safe. It’s not stable.

God: Was it safe or stable for my Son to be beaten, torn, and crucified for your sake? For My sake, would you not go through much less?

Me: For You, Lord, I will…Please just don’t leave me here alone…

God: Dear one, I never have, and I never will.

Confessions of a Guiltless Sinner

Lately, I’ve been feeling guilty. I know I am forgiven through Christ, but my humanity eats at me, and when Satan gets me alone, the lies start to creep into my brain: “You aren’t worth God’s time. You say you’re a Christian, but look at what you’ve done. You let God down too many times. Don’t expect Him to believe you are sincere when you ask for forgiveness.  How could you be, when you just do the same things over and over again? Don’t even bother. He doesn’t want to hear from you.” Lately I’ve begun to believe it.

See, here’s the thing:

I am not the shy, innocent, straight-laced Christian that I often tend to paint myself as.

I’ve struggled with self-injury, self-medicating, and depression. I struggle with sexual sins. I’ve gotten drunk, smoked cigars, and inhaled cigarettes…And I’ve struggled to believe that God could really forgive me for any of it.

BUT, I am forgiven.

Why am I telling you this?

Because I know there are others out there who struggle with the same things, who need to know that they are not alone, who need to be reminded that sin is part of being human, and guess what? GOD UNDERSTANDS.

That’s right. Now, that doesn’t make sin excusable, but it does make it forgivable. God realizes we are weak. He realizes that we are going to fail. In fact, His whole plan to have Jesus come to Earth, live a perfect life, die on the cross, and rise again was all in response to the fact that He knows each and every one of us are sinners and loves us anyway. He’s not this looming presence staring over our shoulders waiting for us to fail with a sour, disapproving look on His face.  If that’s your idea of who God is, then put it out of your mind.  God loved us “while we were yet sinners” (Rom. 5:8), which means *gasp* God knows we sin, and *gasp* wants to forgive us, before we even ask.  There is no sin that God will not forgive if we ask Him sincerely to do so, no matter how many times we’ve done it, no matter who we’ve done it to, no matter how bad it might be.

“There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus,who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.” (Romans 8:1)

If you are a Christian, God looks at you and sees Jesus’ sinless life. Our sin was crucified with Him. God’s wrath was poured out on the cross. Not a drop is left. Which means, not only are we set free from sin, we are set free from the guilt of our sin.

So, we Christians have to stop living in guilt and fear.  God knows we sin, and He loves us anyway. He wants to free us from letting sin weigh us down and stunt our growth. He wants to show us that while sin is in our nature, it doesn’t have to control who we are and what we do. We have to be aware that it’s there and actively fight it, but when we mess up, it doesn’t mean that we are messed up for good.  Don’t listen to the lies with which Satan tries to twist your mind and heart.  We are forgiven, we are set free, we are guiltless because of God’s grace and mercy. He gives it freely. When we inevitably mess up, God wants to hear from us. He wants us to run to Him, lay our guilt and shame at His feet, and LEAVE IT THERE.

So let’s let go of our sin, our guilt, our shame, and live with the boldness and security that comes with God’s true forgiveness. Though we are sinners by nature, we do not have to be sinners by choice. Fight it, friends. Every day you wake up is a day you choose to leave behind your guilt and live like the new creation God has made you. Let’s make that decision together, and help each other stick to it. We were never meant to do this thing called life alone.

What sins have you struggled to believe have been forgiven? Let’s share our weaknesses so we can help each other grow in our strengths!

A Conversation

Me: God, I’m not worth Your time and attention. You should probably just forget about me.

God: Ah, but I sacrificed Myself for you. What makes you think you would not be worth much less to me?

Me: But I’m too broken, too messed up for you to waste your time trying to fix.

God: Did I not give my life to ensure that your brokenness, your sin could be forgiven? It no longer matters.

Me:  But You deserve better, much more than I could ever give or be for You.

God: Dear one, your love, your heart is all that I desire.

Me: But I am not enough. I am  still too broken.

God: Then give me the pieces, darling. I love you, brokenness and all. You are mine and I am Yours. Come to me and I will free you. I will piece you back together. All you need to do is ask.

Me: I don’t deserve this freedom you offer me.

God: It doesn’t matter, I want to give it to you. Do not dwell so much upon your own neediness, but instead upon My willingness to meet you where you are. Don’t contain Me in the limits of your own reason, what makes sense to you. Take Me instead at My word, for I mean what I say.

Me:  How can it be that easy? I ask and You give, and I live happily ever after?

God: Not easy. Simple yes, but you will still have struggles. Life will still be hard, but I promise I’ll be with You every step of the way.

Me: Promise?

God: Promise.

Me: Then how come you don’t always answer me? Why do you sometimes leave me in silence?

God: Sometimes that is what you need. Faith isn’t easy. It is built in days of darkness and silence. When the whole world falls away and you may not feel Me, you can rest assured that I am working. I am still there. Trust Me, love.

Me: But you said you love me! You see my hurt, my pain…why would you not run to comfort me when I cry out in agony and loneliness? What kind of love is that?

God: A love that gives you what your soul needs to grow and become strong, not a love that indulges your human desires.  To be the beautiful overcomer that I know you are and that I want you to become, I have to build you, shape you, and give you things to overcome.

Me: Ok, ok. I understand. I just wish things were easier.

God: Easy makes you lazy and selfish. Easy makes you believe you are self-sufficient, makes you go your own way and forget about Me…Tell me, love, why do you long to be rid of me?

Me: …I never thought of it like that. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to hurt You.

God: You have told me I have your heart, but you only allow me to have it when you need it to be fixed. I don’t want to be just your repairman. I want to be your everything, in times of brokenness AND in times of wholeness. I love you.

Me: I love You too. I’m so sorry…I want you to give you all of me. When You’re not in my life, I am empty. When I try to go my own way, I just end up hopelessly lost and exhausted. I don’t just want you, I need you. I’m so sick of trying to do this all alone. I keep telling myself I need other things, new friends, more hobbies, a man, but none of those things fill me like You do.

God:  You were meant to be filled with Me. You were meant to reflect Me to the world around you, to point others to Me, where they can find purpose and peace. Remember that poem you wrote for me?

Me: “This life is not about me”…Yes, I remember:

This life is not about me.

Jesus, if you have to break my heart a million times,
utterly destroy my body, leave me paralyzed,
just to bring You glory, my God, Let it be!!!
This life is not about me.

I will lay down all that I hold dear to me,
all my dreams, my heart’s desires
Lord, if I must die to lift You higher, let it be!!!
This life is not about me!

You are all the love I’ve never known,
The one true King upon the throne
of my heart. I know I’ll never be alone
No matter what this life may bring, You’ve shown
Your glory. It shines brighter than all I own.
And it is You, Lord! You alone,
Who gives me hope and keeps me goin’

Strong, safe, in love, spending all my time
With the Savior of my soul. I’ll dance
For You, Lord! No longer can I hold it in!
This love, this beauty that You give is too immense!

So I say, “This life is not about me,
Or anyone else who says it might be,
But the One who sees and sets me free!”

This life is not about me.

God: Did you mean it?

Me: With all my heart…

God: You were so in love with me. Come back to me, darling. No matter where you are, I am always here waiting for you. So now in this season, will you not once again wait for Me?

Me: I will, God. Take my heart again, and please don’t let go…

God: Oh, love…I never have.

My Best Friend’s “Save the Dates”

Because I am an awesome best friend and maid of honor, who loves her best friend enough to do so, I not only took  her engagement pictures but also designed her “Save the Dates” for free! Yes, that’s right, because I love her, and I am so excited for her wedding it’s ridiculous!

So we took the time to sit down and come up with this design for her “Save the Dates,” which we then turned into a jpg file and sent to Wal-Mart’s photo printing.  She got 100 of them for only $13. How awesome is that? It’s great for a bride who’s on a budget!

We got the idea from a similar “Save the Date” that we found online, but used our own fonts and style, and tried to give it a more yellow color scheme, as her wedding colors are yellow and gray.  I love what we came up with and I know she and Chris do too.  I was ecstatic to do it for them. It only took me about 2 hours to whip up, what with photo editing and doing the graphics, plus picking fonts.  So all in all, a fun little project that they get for free, and I get to add to my ever-expanding portfolio. Great deal!

Nothing’s Changing

It’s days like these when I realize what I gave up when I chose to leave Grace College. It’s days like these when I realize what I lost when I gave up my relationship with my ex-boyfriend.  It’s days like these when I wish with all my heart that I had a group of real friends who supported me.  It’s days like these when I beat myself up because my circumstances are simply the result of my own choices, though they were made with the intention of doing what God wanted me to do. It’s days like these when I realize how incredibly alone I am. It’s days like these when depression creeps in and tries to twist my mind against me.  It’s days like these when I have to fight with everything I have just to make it through the day.

I’m not trying to complain or victimize myself. I realize there are others whose circumstances are way worse than mine.  I’m not discrediting my family and the few friends I do have and how grateful I am for their love and support. I’m not blaming God for any of the heartache and struggles I am having to go through.  In fact, I’m trying my best to cling to Him, but

NOTHING’S CHANGING.

I wait, I pray, I ache, I push through, I try to keep smiling, but I still feel empty.

I’m still alone.

What am I meant to do with this, this hollowed out shell of who I am?

If You make all things new, God, then PLEASE, won’t you just do it, already?! Don’t wait around leaving me broken, in pieces, scattered haphazardly on the cold, lonely floor. IF YOU LOVE ME, WHY DO YOU LEAVE ME LIKE THIS?

I see God’s work in others’ lives and I envy them. Why won’t He work for me? Why won’t He reach out and touch MY life? What am I doing wrong?

I read my Bible, I pray, I cry out for His help, and I am met with silence. Does He not know how I long for His voice, how I ache for His touch in my life, how I yearn for Him to fill me?

I don’t understand it, but I CAN trust that God knows what He’s doing, especially when I don’t. He may be silent now, but He has been loud in my past.  So I will remember His faithfulness and trust in Him now.

If you think of it, please pray for me.

Heartache

A burning in my chest, an ache, a searing pain,

How could I ever love like this again?

It hurts to try, to feel, to think,

Knowing you and I will sink

Into memory, corners black as night,

Nothing more than wavering light.

I cry for you, for me, for us,

for wounds reopened, oozing puss.

Time does not heal, it slinks and crawls,

and creates distance, until all falls

Apart, a mess of broken shards,

my heart a fragile house of cards.

I can’t forget. I don’t want to let go.

You mean more to me than you’ll ever know.

A burning in my chest, an ache, a searing pain,

How could I ever love like this again?

 

 

Alone

So if you haven’t noticed from my whining via various social media platforms, I have been going through a breakup.  I was with a guy on and off for over 3 years. I thought he was going to be the guy I would end up marrying, but obviously, he wasn’t.  I have been on an emotional roller coaster trying to deal with this, mostly because well, when we broke up, not only did I lose my boyfriend, I also lost one of my only real friends.  We don’t talk at all, trying to give each other space, and I doubt we’ll ever really be friends again, though we say we’d like to be.

Basically, what I’m trying to say is I’m having a really hard time dealing with this.  I know that he’s not the guy I should be with. I know that there will be someone else who will make me crazy happy someday.  But at the moment, all I can focus on is the fact that I’m alone, so very terribly alone.

So I’ve been praying that God would surround me with real friends, ones who aren’t going to desert me at the first sign of trouble.  I’ve been praying that God will give me the strength to stand on my own two feet.  I’ve just been praying and praying and praying, and so far, nothing different has happened. I know God still hears me, even when He’s silent, but it’s hard when there’s no answer back. My faith is being tested, I know, and I’m trying hard to lean on Him, and not anything else, but gosh darn it, is it hard.

People keep telling me, “Take it one day at a time,” and, “Don’t worry about the past or the future. Just live in the moment.” I guess that’s good advice but the problem is that my reality in the present is pretty empty. Yes, I’m thankful for the support and love I get from my family and that I have two good jobs that are in my field of study. I’m thankful for the few real friends I do have, even though they live far away from me. I know I have a bright future ahead of me, no one’s here to be happy with me, and that makes my life feel vacant and desolate.  I ache for relationships, human interaction besides that which I have with my coworkers and family…I have a gaping hole in my life, and it’s killing me.

With school starting comes hope, but I’m afraid of being let down. I’m afraid that God is going to say no to my pleading for friends.  It scares me to think that I might have to weather the next chapter of my life alone.  I guess all I can really do is wait and see.

But that’s the hardest part, isn’t it?