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Alone

12

September 1, 2011 by Heather Harris

So if you haven’t noticed from my whining via various social media platforms, I have been going through a breakup.  I was with a guy on and off for over 3 years. I thought he was going to be the guy I would end up marrying, but obviously, he wasn’t.  I have been on an emotional roller coaster trying to deal with this, mostly because well, when we broke up, not only did I lose my boyfriend, I also lost one of my only real friends.  We don’t talk at all, trying to give each other space, and I doubt we’ll ever really be friends again, though we say we’d like to be.

Basically, what I’m trying to say is I’m having a really hard time dealing with this.  I know that he’s not the guy I should be with. I know that there will be someone else who will make me crazy happy someday.  But at the moment, all I can focus on is the fact that I’m alone, so very terribly alone.

So I’ve been praying that God would surround me with real friends, ones who aren’t going to desert me at the first sign of trouble.  I’ve been praying that God will give me the strength to stand on my own two feet.  I’ve just been praying and praying and praying, and so far, nothing different has happened. I know God still hears me, even when He’s silent, but it’s hard when there’s no answer back. My faith is being tested, I know, and I’m trying hard to lean on Him, and not anything else, but gosh darn it, is it hard.

People keep telling me, “Take it one day at a time,” and, “Don’t worry about the past or the future. Just live in the moment.” I guess that’s good advice but the problem is that my reality in the present is pretty empty. Yes, I’m thankful for the support and love I get from my family and that I have two good jobs that are in my field of study. I’m thankful for the few real friends I do have, even though they live far away from me. I know I have a bright future ahead of me, no one’s here to be happy with me, and that makes my life feel vacant and desolate.  I ache for relationships, human interaction besides that which I have with my coworkers and family…I have a gaping hole in my life, and it’s killing me.

With school starting comes hope, but I’m afraid of being let down. I’m afraid that God is going to say no to my pleading for friends.  It scares me to think that I might have to weather the next chapter of my life alone.  I guess all I can really do is wait and see.

But that’s the hardest part, isn’t it?

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12 thoughts on “Alone

  1. moonchild11 says:

    I know the feeling. When my last boyfriend broke up with me I felt alone. And I was working too much to have time to make any friends. Even now that I have a really good boyfriend, I’m aware that he’s the only real friend I have that lives nearby and it’s still lonely. Transferring and moving all the time sucks when you’re an introvert.

  2. I am sorry for your pain.

    I’m pretty much in the same place, have been for a few months. I keep wanting somebody to say something that will bring comfort. Nothing does.

    So, I’ll say nothing and just let you know that someone to a greater or lesser degree understands.

  3. maninacave says:

    Hi,

    Now here’s some advice (a thing people will rarely give these days).

    Firstly get rid of the ‘No Name Slob’ tag. You are not that (and if you are give it up). Don’t put yourself down because it in turn degrades you and lowers your horizons and impoverishes your thought. Don’t get into victim mentality and don’t look down at the crap on the pavement.

    Meanwhile if you haven’t seen it check this out –
    http://theresurgence.com/2011/04/06/a-poem-for-all-single-people-pass-it-on

    You are loved by the Lord with an everlasting steadfast love. Maturity has an emotional cost. These are days of grace.Praise him.

    Are you in a Gospel church that is supportive?

    In His Grace…Philip.

    • hrh413 says:

      First of all, thank you for the advice and for sharing the poem. I do appreciate it. Secondly, I never meant for the “No Name Slob” to have a negative connotation. It is simply a reference to one of my favorite movies. I’m trying my hardest NOT to get into victim mentality, which is why I wrote this blog post. It is somewhat of a cry for help and support and also just me venting at the same time. I am in the process of finding a church at the moment, so I don’t have a specific church family that I can go to for support.

  4. sharonwhite64 says:

    Since you post this on facebook, I’m thinking that you are open to anyone’s comments. I know that you are hurting. What I don’t understand is why YOU broke up with HIM. In the past, it was him, but this time YOU did the breaking up. I’m just wondering why? Did you know that it just wasn’t going to work? Or did you do it hoping he would come chase after you? If it is the first, then by all means, you should have broken it off. You’d still hurt, but not quite this much, as you would know it’s for the best. If it is the second, that is game playing and I don’t think he ever went for that sort of thing. I don’t know what happened and I know either way you are hurting. But remember, in time, this will be an experience that will teach you something for your future. What you like and don’t like. What you will do more of or do less of next time. What you will tolerate and what you wont. But remember, there is no perfect guy. And a lot of guys are not…well…feminine. They aren’t going to talk about the meaning of a piece of art. That’s what girl friends are for. Guys aren’t like that. Most of them anyway. You are a sweet and beautiful woman. There is someone out there for you.

    • hrh413 says:

      I would never break up with someone with the intention of game playing and manipulating him into chasing after me. I am not a manipulative person at all. I really sincerely hope that he doesn’t think that I did it to play games with him…I would hate for him to think that of me. I broke up with him because I could tell he wasn’t happy, and I wanted to be able to make someone happy. I felt that he wanted to break up and just didn’t feel like he could because he felt guilty for promising it would work out this time when it wasn’t. I don’t regret dating him. I still love him very much, and I have learned and grown so much from being with him, I just don’t think that I’m what he really wanted, or at least that’s how he made it seem. I seemed to just frustrate him more than make him happy. He also said certain things would be different this time around and they weren’t. I just got tired of waiting around for him to change when he just seemed to be getting worse. I wish things had gone differently, but I can’t change the way things happened. Like I said, I still love him and miss him terribly, and I honestly can’t even wrap my mind around the possibility of finding someone else just yet. I think a part of me still hopes that maybe someday in the future when we’re both more mature we’ll find each other again, but I can’t keep hoping for that. I need to move on.

      I’m not looking for a feminine guy, but there are guys out there who are interested in the same things I’m interested in, and who can at least appreciate my passions and creative nature and share that with me. I’ve met them. I have guy friends who have proven that to me. Being interested in art or music does not make a guy feminine necessarily. I realize there isn’t a perfect guy, but I do believe there is one who I can make happy somewhere and who will make me happy too, which is what our relationship seemed to lack. Normally I would’ve tried to push through it, but we’ve dated so many times already, I didn’t think there was a point to beating an obviously dead horse. There’s a point when you have to step back and realize that something just isn’t going to work, no matter how much you want it to.

  5. sharonwhite64 says:

    I agree with you Heather. I think that when you know it’s not going to work, you just have to cut your losses and let it go. I’m not sure what went wrong but, if anything did. Maybe it was over when you guys broke up before but didn’t like the way it felt without each other either. So, you just dated again to stop from feeling that.
    You’re right. There are guys out there that are more into the arts then Dan is, for sure. I think he’s more into sports and friends.
    I do know that you both are wonderful people. You both will find the one that makes you happy and appreciates you for ALL that you are. And you both will be happy.

  6. I really hope things look up for you, and I’m not sure if you got my comments on LinkedIn, but I’m always here if you need me. I know a lot of artsy guys too and a lot of guys that are graphic designers, photographers, etc. You’d be surprised how many are out there that aren’t feminine or gay. My boyfriend isn’t super artsy but he enjoys experiencing and discussing all forms of art and he’s the opposite of feminine, we just went to the Art Museum last week (it had been like ten years since I’ve been there!) We love going to the Museum and Zoo and all the festivals and fairs. We should get together one of these days and go down to one of the many art exhibits in Milwaukee. There is this small ‘museum’ on the south side that focuses on Latino Art. I will have to try and remember what its called and where exactly it is (If I was walking down there I could find it, but I don’t know off the top of my head). You are always more than welcome to bring a friend, or we could go boy-less lol.

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