September 9, 2011 by Heather Harris
It’s days like these when I realize what I gave up when I chose to leave Grace College. It’s days like these when I realize what I lost when I gave up my relationship with my ex-boyfriend. It’s days like these when I wish with all my heart that I had a group of real friends who supported me. It’s days like these when I beat myself up because my circumstances are simply the result of my own choices, though they were made with the intention of doing what God wanted me to do. It’s days like these when I realize how incredibly alone I am. It’s days like these when depression creeps in and tries to twist my mind against me. It’s days like these when I have to fight with everything I have just to make it through the day.
I’m not trying to complain or victimize myself. I realize there are others whose circumstances are way worse than mine. I’m not discrediting my family and the few friends I do have and how grateful I am for their love and support. I’m not blaming God for any of the heartache and struggles I am having to go through. In fact, I’m trying my best to cling to Him, but
I wait, I pray, I ache, I push through, I try to keep smiling, but I still feel empty.
I’m still alone.
What am I meant to do with this, this hollowed out shell of who I am?
If You make all things new, God, then PLEASE, won’t you just do it, already?! Don’t wait around leaving me broken, in pieces, scattered haphazardly on the cold, lonely floor. IF YOU LOVE ME, WHY DO YOU LEAVE ME LIKE THIS?
I see God’s work in others’ lives and I envy them. Why won’t He work for me? Why won’t He reach out and touch MY life? What am I doing wrong?
I read my Bible, I pray, I cry out for His help, and I am met with silence. Does He not know how I long for His voice, how I ache for His touch in my life, how I yearn for Him to fill me?
I don’t understand it, but I CAN trust that God knows what He’s doing, especially when I don’t. He may be silent now, but He has been loud in my past. So I will remember His faithfulness and trust in Him now.
If you think of it, please pray for me.