A Conversation

12

September 16, 2011 by Heather Bentzen

Me: God, I’m not worth Your time and attention. You should probably just forget about me.

God: Ah, but I sacrificed Myself for you. What makes you think you would not be worth much less to me?

Me: But I’m too broken, too messed up for you to waste your time trying to fix.

God: Did I not give my life to ensure that your brokenness, your sin could be forgiven? It no longer matters.

Me:  But You deserve better, much more than I could ever give or be for You.

God: Dear one, your love, your heart is all that I desire.

Me: But I am not enough. I am  still too broken.

God: Then give me the pieces, darling. I love you, brokenness and all. You are mine and I am Yours. Come to me and I will free you. I will piece you back together. All you need to do is ask.

Me: I don’t deserve this freedom you offer me.

God: It doesn’t matter, I want to give it to you. Do not dwell so much upon your own neediness, but instead upon My willingness to meet you where you are. Don’t contain Me in the limits of your own reason, what makes sense to you. Take Me instead at My word, for I mean what I say.

Me:  How can it be that easy? I ask and You give, and I live happily ever after?

God: Not easy. Simple yes, but you will still have struggles. Life will still be hard, but I promise I’ll be with You every step of the way.

Me: Promise?

God: Promise.

Me: Then how come you don’t always answer me? Why do you sometimes leave me in silence?

God: Sometimes that is what you need. Faith isn’t easy. It is built in days of darkness and silence. When the whole world falls away and you may not feel Me, you can rest assured that I am working. I am still there. Trust Me, love.

Me: But you said you love me! You see my hurt, my pain…why would you not run to comfort me when I cry out in agony and loneliness? What kind of love is that?

God: A love that gives you what your soul needs to grow and become strong, not a love that indulges your human desires.  To be the beautiful overcomer that I know you are and that I want you to become, I have to build you, shape you, and give you things to overcome.

Me: Ok, ok. I understand. I just wish things were easier.

God: Easy makes you lazy and selfish. Easy makes you believe you are self-sufficient, makes you go your own way and forget about Me…Tell me, love, why do you long to be rid of me?

Me: …I never thought of it like that. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to hurt You.

God: You have told me I have your heart, but you only allow me to have it when you need it to be fixed. I don’t want to be just your repairman. I want to be your everything, in times of brokenness AND in times of wholeness. I love you.

Me: I love You too. I’m so sorry…I want you to give you all of me. When You’re not in my life, I am empty. When I try to go my own way, I just end up hopelessly lost and exhausted. I don’t just want you, I need you. I’m so sick of trying to do this all alone. I keep telling myself I need other things, new friends, more hobbies, a man, but none of those things fill me like You do.

God:  You were meant to be filled with Me. You were meant to reflect Me to the world around you, to point others to Me, where they can find purpose and peace. Remember that poem you wrote for me?

Me: “This life is not about me”…Yes, I remember:

This life is not about me.

Jesus, if you have to break my heart a million times,
utterly destroy my body, leave me paralyzed,
just to bring You glory, my God, Let it be!!!
This life is not about me.

I will lay down all that I hold dear to me,
all my dreams, my heart’s desires
Lord, if I must die to lift You higher, let it be!!!
This life is not about me!

You are all the love I’ve never known,
The one true King upon the throne
of my heart. I know I’ll never be alone
No matter what this life may bring, You’ve shown
Your glory. It shines brighter than all I own.
And it is You, Lord! You alone,
Who gives me hope and keeps me goin’

Strong, safe, in love, spending all my time
With the Savior of my soul. I’ll dance
For You, Lord! No longer can I hold it in!
This love, this beauty that You give is too immense!

So I say, “This life is not about me,
Or anyone else who says it might be,
But the One who sees and sets me free!”

This life is not about me.

God: Did you mean it?

Me: With all my heart…

God: You were so in love with me. Come back to me, darling. No matter where you are, I am always here waiting for you. So now in this season, will you not once again wait for Me?

Me: I will, God. Take my heart again, and please don’t let go…

God: Oh, love…I never have.